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Starting school can be an exciting milestone, but for many children, it also brings feelings of fear, sadness, and anxiety—especially when it’s time to say goodbye at drop-off. If you're wondering how to help a child with separation anxiety at school, you're not alone.
Separation anxiety is a common challenge for young learners and their families, but with the right strategies and support, it can be managed successfully. In this article, we’ll explore what separation anxiety looks like in school settings and share practical tips and strategies to ease the transition for both children and caregivers.
What is separation anxiety at school?
Separation anxiety is a form of emotional distress that occurs when a child becomes fearful or upset at being apart from a parent or caregiver. While some level of separation anxiety is developmentally normal—especially in infants and toddlers—prolonged or intense symptoms can interfere with a child’s ability to engage in school activities and routines. When this anxiety happens specifically in educational settings, it’s often referred to as separation anxiety at school.
This type of anxiety most commonly appears in preschool and early elementary-aged children (ages 3 to 8), though it can occur in older students as well. Children may cling to a parent at drop-off, cry inconsolably, complain of physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches, or refuse to enter the classroom altogether. These behaviors are usually driven by fear that something bad will happen to them or their caregiver while they are apart.
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), separation anxiety disorder is diagnosed when these reactions are excessive for the child’s age and development, persist for at least four weeks, and significantly impact social or academic functioning. However, even children without a clinical diagnosis may experience distress that affects their school experience.
Understanding the signs of separation anxiety is the first step toward helping children build confidence and feel secure in their school environment.
Signs of separation anxiety at school
For childcare providers working with infants, toddlers, and preschoolers, recognizing the signs of separation anxiety is an important part of creating a nurturing and emotionally supportive classroom. While some level of distress during drop-off is developmentally typical—especially during transitions like starting a new school year—persistent or intense reactions may signal that a child is experiencing separation anxiety.
Below are common signs of separation anxiety in children from birth to age 5 that may be observed in a childcare or early learning setting:
Infants (0–12 months)
- Crying or fussing when handed to another caregiver
- Difficulty being soothed after a parent leaves
- Sudden changes in sleep or feeding after transitions
Toddlers (1–3 years)
- Clinging to a parent or refusing to let go at drop-off
- Intense crying that does not subside after separation
- Difficulty engaging in play or joining group activities
- Increased tantrums or regressions (e.g., toileting, speech)
Preschoolers (3–5 years)
- Verbal expressions of worry: “Will Mommy come back?”
- Somatic complaints like stomachaches or feeling “sick” during arrival
- Attempts to delay separation (e.g., needing “just one more hug”)
- Withdrawal, tearfulness, or irritability throughout the day
- Reluctance to participate in routines they previously enjoyed
It’s important to remember that young children cannot always verbalize their anxiety, so their distress may show up through behavior, mood changes, or physical symptoms. Separation anxiety may also be heightened during times of transition—like starting at a new childcare program, changes in caregivers, or after a long weekend or holiday break.
By observing these signs and responding with empathy, consistency, and supportive routines, early childhood educators can help children feel safe, build trust, and develop the emotional resilience they need to thrive in school.
Free Checklist: Helping Your Child Transition to a New Childcare Program
Share this free checklist with new families at your program.
How to ease separation anxiety in toddlers
Teachers play a critical role in supporting toddlers with separation anxiety at childcare programs. Creating a welcoming environment and building positive relationships with children is key in making them feel secure and confident in their new surroundings. By establishing a predictable routine from day one and working closely with parents and other caregivers, teachers can help ease the transition into childcare and support toddlers as they navigate this important milestone.
1. Invite families to visit your program before the first day
New places can be overwhelming and anxiety-inducing for toddlers. You can help them feel more comfortable at your program by inviting families to an orientation event before the first day.
An orientation helps new families become familiar with your program. At your orientation, spend time getting to know the children. Share what they can expect when they attend your program and show them that your program is a fun, inviting place with adults who care about them.
Invite the children to participate in fun activities that separate them from their parents for short periods. These activities may help them feel less anxious about being in your classroom and away from their parents on the first day.
Separation anxiety affects families as well as their children. During your orientation, acknowledge parents' feelings about enrolling their child in a childcare program. Answer any questions they may have about your program, procedures, and health and safety policies to help ease their anxiety.
Record children's daily activities and share important information with families with brightwheel's daily reports. Boost family engagement, strengthen your family-teacher relationships, and centralize your day-to-day documentation in one place.
2. Greet each child and parent during drop-off
Every morning, greet each child and their parents during drop-off. Tell the children and their parents about the day's activities for a few minutes.
Create "goodbye and hello" routines that children and their parents can participate in during drop-off and pick-up. Routines like short songs or dances will help children transition from their time with their family to their time with teachers.
3. Acknowledge the child’s feelings
Take a moment to let the child know you understand how they feel. Tell them how they’re feeling is completely normal and that many children are nervous about being away from their family in a new environment. Reassure them that you understand their feelings and that it’ll get better.
4. Let children bring in a comfort item
Items that remind children of their home can help them self-soothe and relieve their anxiety. Allow children to bring comfort items like a blanket or stuffed animal.
5. Pair children up at the start of class
Each morning, allow children to pick their partner for the day or choose for them. Give them some time to talk to their partner and build a bit of comfort with them. Encourage the pairs to engage with each other and incorporate some partner activities throughout the day.
6. Create a family photo wall
Ask parents to bring a photo of their family to display in your classroom. Hang the photos where the children can see them easily. Seeing their family members' familiar faces may help children feel more comfortable in the unfamiliar childcare setting.
You can use the photo wall to prompt children to talk about their family members and to remind them that their parents will return at the end of the day.
How to ease separation anxiety in preschoolers
Preschoolers benefit from all the strategies shared to ease anxieties in toddlers. However, since they are older, they could also learn additional coping skills that allow them to take charge of their feelings and learn to become independent in self-regulation during challenging separations. Teachers can help preschoolers with separation anxiety by teaching them calming strategies when they feel anxious.
1. Encourage children to practice breathing exercises
Breathing exercises reduce stress and anxiety, lower the heart rate, relax the body, and increase the body's oxygen levels. Guide preschoolers through simple breathing activities after drop-off each day to help them calm down and alleviate their separation anxiety.
Belly breathing is an easy breathing exercise for young children. To practice belly breathing with your children:
- Instruct the children to sit upright or lay on their backs.
- Have them breathe normally with one hand on their bellies and the other on their chests.
- Ask them to pay attention to their breathing. How does their breathing feel? Which hand moves more as they breathe? Is the hand on their belly moving up and down?
- Have them breathe in for four seconds until they feel their chest fill with air, and the air travels down to their belly.
- Have the children hold their breath for four seconds.
- Have them exhale slowly. If they find it difficult to exhale slowly, have them try exhaling through a straw or pursed lips to slow down their exhale.
- Have the children continue breathing this way until they feel relaxed.
- Ask the children how their bodies feel. Ask them if they notice a difference between how they felt before the breathing exercise and how they feel after.
2. Create a calming area with stuffed animals and art supplies
In addition to the activity centers in your preschool, create a calming area with coloring pages, crayons, paper, envelopes, play dough, and stuffed animals. Encourage children to create pictures and sculptures, or write letters (with teacher support to write the words as needed) to give to their parents at the end of the day.
3. Stick to a routine
Teaching the children your preschool's daily schedule will help them feel more secure. Post a visual schedule in your classroom where the children can easily see it. Associate an image with each activity for the day so the children can understand the order of events.
Ask parents when they plan to pick up their children and use the daily schedule to help the children understand when their parents will arrive. For example, if a parent intends to pick up their child at 12:30 pm, you can show a child the schedule and tell them that their parents will return for them after lunchtime but before nap time.
A planned pick-up time and daily visual schedule can help children feel less anxious about whether their parents will return for them.
4. Explain how to recognize feelings of anxiety
Describe to your class what anxiety is and what it feels like. Let them know it’s a normal feeling that we all experience when we’re feeling uncertain or experiencing situations that may be unfamiliar, strange, or scary. Talk about what it can feel like and how it may come with symptoms like upset stomach, sweating, mind racing, inability to focus, or heart pounding. Remind them to check in with themselves and identify when they might be experiencing anxiety.
5. Read reassuring books about separation to the children
There are many children's books that you can read to the children in your preschool to teach them about separation anxiety, including:
- The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
- The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
- Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney
6. Give each child a special role
Giving children something to be responsible for is not only great for their overall development, but it can also soothe their anxiety by creating a different focus for the day. Assign classroom jobs or small tasks to each child as a way to promote responsibility and foster community in your classroom. These tasks can be things like handing out certain supplies, choosing a book for story time, or clearing the board.
Separation anxiety tips for parents
Easing a child’s separation anxiety can take some time. Creating a positive environment in the classroom can help provide comfort, but there are also strategies that families can use at home to reinforce a smooth transition into child care. As an added support for your families, offer the following tips:
Let staff know in advance
Before your child starts school, look for signs that they may potentially experience separation anxiety. If it seems likely that they will, then let the staff know beforehand. This prepares them to handle the transition with extra care and do what they can to soothe the child while you’re away.
Create a routine
A child experiencing separation anxiety may be afraid of the changes around them and feel a lot of instability. A familiar schedule or routine can help ease their fears because they’ll learn what to expect. Find a few parts of the day you can plan to do every time you take your child to preschool. It may be the food they eat for breakfast, a song you listen to on the way, or a special handshake at drop-off.
Remain positive and upbeat
It can be difficult to see your child so distressed when they’re going through separation anxiety. Remember that being separated from you and experiencing school is great for their development and independence, so you don’t have anything to feel guilty about.
For your goodbye at drop-off, have a happy and excited attitude with them. If they’re crying or yelling, use calming language to soothe them instead of emotionally reacting to them. Seeing you sad or upset too could increase their distress. If you stay calm and upbeat about the day, it encourages them to do the same.
Don’t introduce reasons to worry
Whether your child is experiencing separation anxiety or not, be mindful of how you talk about the situation. Communicating to them that going to preschool is brave or asking them if they’re scared or worried reinforces the idea that separating from you is a big deal. Instead, speak about going to preschool as a normal activity many families do daily.
Make a proper exit
When it comes time to say goodbye to your child, don’t linger or sneak out. Establish a goodbye routine whether it’s a hug and a kiss or a secret handshake, and then leave. This helps set the expectation that goodbye means goodbye and you will return to pick them up later.
Resist the temptation to stay too long. Your child may take even longer to calm down after you leave, and if they’re crying to get you to stay, they may get the message that these behaviors are the way to prevent you from leaving. On the other hand, quickly sneaking out when they aren’t looking could damage their trust in you and potentially increase their separation anxiety.
When to seek further help
While separation anxiety is a normal part of early development, especially in children under age 5, there are times when the intensity, duration, or impact of a child’s distress may signal the need for additional support. Knowing when to seek help can make a meaningful difference in a child’s emotional well-being and school readiness.
You may want to encourage families to consult a pediatrician or mental health professional if:
- Separation-related distress lasts more than four weeks, with no signs of improvement
- The child refuses to attend school or child care consistently due to anxiety
- Physical symptoms (e.g., stomachaches, headaches, nausea) occur frequently and primarily during drop-off or transitions
- The child shows excessive fear about something bad happening to a parent or caregiver during separation
- The anxiety significantly interferes with learning, social interaction, or daily routines
- The child displays regressive behaviors (e.g., bedwetting, loss of language or toilet training skills) that persist
In some cases, these symptoms may meet the criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder, a more severe and persistent condition that affects a child’s ability to function in age-appropriate ways. Early intervention—whether through school-based support, play therapy, or family counseling—can help children build coping skills and regain confidence in navigating separation.
Help the children at your program overcome their separation anxiety
Separation anxiety affects every child differently. You can help the toddlers and preschoolers at your program feel secure after drop-off by giving them individual attention, helping them calm themselves, and comforting them with items and photos from home.
Remember to validate the children's feelings. Let them know that you understand how they feel and that it’s okay for them to be sad. Reassure them that they are safe and their parents will return for them.
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